Are You in a Healthy Relationship?

Whether you’ve been married a day or a decade, it’s important to know if your relationship is healthy and thriving in ways that will allow your love to grow. If it isn’t exactly? Don’t freak out and pack your bags just yet! You have the power to make simple changes right now that will help your relationship blossom over time. 

So, let’s take a look. People often try to generalize what constitutes unhealthy behavior. I’ve found that nothing about marriage is black and white. It’s more like a Jackson Pollock painting with a splattering of black, white, green, purple, brown and an overall dominant hue of gray. But let’s go over a few basic diagnostics.

Abuse. This is a big one. No one is entitled to physically or mentally abuse you. If this is happening, please seek help right away. Hurt feelings on the other hand, are often the result of thoughtlessness or a lack of empathy. Those can be easily corrected with better communication skills, more listening, and by learning what constitutes a true and proper apology. 

Respect. In a healthy relationship, your partner holds you in high esteem. Even when you disagree, love means being respectful of each other’s voices and opinions. My husband and I disagree on plenty of things, one of which is his taste in music. So when he feels like listening to songs I can’t stand like 1950’s Doo Wop, I just smile, gently close the door, and give him the space to rock out. Do you feel your partner respects you? Are you making an effort to reciprocate that feeling?

I’ve been married for twenty five years, and there are still days when my relationship seems susceptible to the ills of the world.

Trust. It’s earned by displaying a consistency of character. In a healthy marriage, there is usually an abundance of trust. In an unhealthy marriage, there can be unwarranted or warranted suspicion. In a marriage that’s healing, be patient as you take the slow and steady steps to get there. Discussing your worries openly and honestly will help you both identify relationship dry rot that’s in need of repair. 

Presence. In the healthiest relationships, there is both attention and intention. What I mean is, we show up fully present for our partner, and we have the intention of making them feel seen and heard. This purposeful presence keeps couples closely connected. It’s when we put our relationship on autopilot that we start getting into trouble. Remember the first thing they teach you in driver’s ed? Keep your eyes on the road.  

Support. In a healthy relationship, support can be recognized in the form of encouragement, empathy, patience and compassion. If you extend your partner the grace and space to fail, it only encourages them to be brave and try again. Does your partner lean in and carry more of the load when you need them to? If not, maybe it’s as simple as letting them know what you need. 

Solidarity. I love the motto made famous by Alexandre Dumas, “All for one and one for all.” To me, it means facing challenges together while also looking out for each other as individuals. Solidarity in marriage is healthy. Selfishness, however, is not. So if it feels like you and your partner are often opposing forces, the best thing you can do is call a truce and have a serious sit down. A lot of couples battle over parenting style, especially in a blended family. If you’re stuck, consider a marriage counselor. They can work wonders at helping you have productive and constructive discussions that will get you both onto the same team. 

I’ve been married for twenty five years, and there are still days when my relationship seems susceptible to the ills of the world. The best way I’ve found to keep immunity up is simply to keep checking in. We speak respectfully, and we listen to each other’s truths. And we enjoy these conversations even more when we keep it light and make it fun. The great thing about communication is, the more you do it, the better you get at it. And the healthier your relationship becomes.