Beginnings, Middles and Ends of Marriages.

This pandemic, like many difficult life events, has bubbled up a lot of truth to the surface of relationships. A number of my friends are divorcing, some in the early years of their marriages, but others after being together for decades. What I've learned is that the challenges we face in life will either bring us closer together, or they will drive us apart. And the greatest determinant of that, is how we step into those challenges. 

In the beginning of a relationship, there’s what I call the romantic filter. It’s like we see our partner through a soft Hollywood lens that smoothes their flaws and minimizes their blunders. When we face challenges at this point, whether it be a job change, a debt burden, difficulty with pregnancy, or the like, we tend to lean in and face them together. While we may not always be our best selves, we take comfort in the fact that our partner is trying the best they can.

In the middle of a relationship, we find ourselves getting more comfortable in the grace our partner extends us. At times, we may even take advantage of it. Like not resolving arguments as quickly, not expressing our love and appreciation as often, or not checking in on our partner’s well being because we assume they’re fine. The romantic filter we once looked through now starts to appear in high definition. We begin to see character flaws in our spouse that we never noticed before. We may even start to feel disillusioned, wondering “what happened to the person I married?”

Sometimes, marriages end. And that’s okay. But sometimes, they end for avoidable reasons. 

When challenges hit us in the middle of marriage, they’re usually the more difficult kind. The death of a parent, or a friend. A major health crisis. A struggling child. A financial blow. It’s at this point that life’s challenges have a greater ability to divide us. They create those small cracks which can ultimately lead to a break. Unless, during these emotionally vulnerable moments, we make an active choice to bond together and unite as an unstoppable, married force.

When my father died, the grief was hard. It felt like I’d sunk to the bottom of a dark lagoon, and it took a few years to rise up to the surface. During that time, my husband chose to keep shining his light for me brightly. Without this effort, I think I could have easily become lost. When our son left for college and we became empty nesters, it was yet another huge emotional challenge for me. My purpose was shifting, and I was asking myself hard questions like “who am I now?” and “What do I want to be?” My husband took notice of this and he leaned in even harder. He became more romantic. He encouraged me to take career risks. He gave me the time and space to find my footing, while at the same time, holding me near. All of these things strengthened our relationship.  

Sometimes, marriages end. And that’s okay. But sometimes, they end for avoidable reasons. That’s why I wrote Hey, I Love You… to help couples grow closer throughout all the years of their relationship by communicating better, listening more, and by understanding each other on a  deeper level. If you can strengthen your relationship each day, even in the smallest way, you’ll be far less vulnerable as a couple when the tough times arrive. Still, should you find yourself at the end, try to remember that ends are also new beginnings. As we learn more, we can love all the better.